


I Will Not Touch Duchovny's Hair

by thebasement_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Filk, Poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1998-07-31
Updated: 1998-07-31
Packaged: 2018-11-20 14:09:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11337096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebasement_archivist/pseuds/thebasement_archivist
Summary: Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived atThe Basement, which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address onThe Basement's collection profile.





	I Will Not Touch Duchovny's Hair

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Basement](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Basement), which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Basement's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thebasement/profile).

 

I Will Not Touch Duchovny's Hair by Myrke with Epilogue by Alyssa Fernandez

This one is inspired by the January 1997 GQ interview of David Duchovny, in which he is portrayed as mesmerizing women by inviting them to touch his hair.

* * *

I Will Not Touch Duchovny's Hair  
by Myrke 

I am Myrke  
Myrke-I-lurk

//(That Myrke-I-lurk  
That Myrke-I-lurk  
I do not like that Myrke-I-lurk)

Will you touch Duchovny's hair?//

I do not like Duchovny's hair  
About his hair I do not care

//Would you touch it here or there?//

I will not touch it here or there  
I will not touch it ANYWHERE  
I do not like Duchovny's hair  
Duchovny's hair I cannot bear

//Would you touch it in a house?  
Would you touch it with a mouse?//

I'll have you know I have a SPOUSE!

Not in a house -- Don't be annoying!  
And with a MOUSE? He'd be enjoying!

I will not touch Duchovny's hair  
I would not touch it on a DARE.

//If in his underwear he's sleeping?  
How 'bout when he's gently weeping?//

If in his underwear he's sleeping  
from his hair I will be creeping

Even when he's gently weeping  
Something tells me T.V.'s "sweeping"

I WILL NOT touch Duchovny's hair  
From his hair my hand I'll spare

//How 'bout when he's playing FOX  
On the box called MAGNAVOX?//

If on the BOX he playing be  
His hair cannot appeal to me.  
His hair I do not even see  
I don't watch FOX on Fox T.V.

//When he's in hypno-regression?  
When he's at a photo session?//

If in regression he will be  
His hair may not belong to he

If in a photo session, posing  
More than hair he is exposing!

I will not touch Duchovny's hair!  
You don't daunt me with that STARE!

//If he wins a Golden Globe?//

You'd try the patience of a Job!

If he wins a Golden Globe  
He must rely on Lisa Loeb  
to gently smooth his bark-brown 'do  
Just because he asked her to!

But I won't touch Duchovny's hair  
Not while I'm inhaling air!

//How 'bout when he's in Vancouver?  
Not while I can still maneuver!//

But if he's playing basketball?  
It makes no difference at all!

I would not watch this actor play  
When I can watch the NBA  
and see it played the proper way  
on any given Saturday!

But that has naught to do with hair  
About his hair I do not care

And I won't touch it in a house  
And I won't touch it with a mouse  
Or while he's FOX  
on that darned BOX  
Or in regression  
Not in a session  
Not if he weeps  
Not if he sleeps  
Not even in his underwear  
I shall not touch that bark-brown hair!  
Not if he wins a Golden Globe!  
Not while I have a frontal lobe!  
Or while he's playing basketball  
I WILL NOT TOUCH HIS HAIR AT ALL!

NOT EVEN WHILE HE'S IN VANCOUVER ...  
Unless ... I'm using hair remover (!)  
SURE, I'll touch Duchovny's hair!  
... as soon as I locate the NAIR.

 

EPILOGUE  
by Alyssa Fernandez   
(Who almost choked on a USAir peanut after reading the line "Feel how soft my hair is." DD--you //slut//! ;^) With apologies to both Dr. S and the equally ingenious Myrke.

//David's hair was soft, soft, soft,  
But now it's only off, off, off--  
And so concludes the tragic story  
Of Myrke and her depilatory.//

  
Archived: April 02, 2001 


End file.
